Emotional Abuse….

1

Most times when we hear this we just picture a couple where the wife is the victim and sometimes the hubby could be the victim. However we can experience emotional abuse from anyone, your family, siblings, even in the work place and among our peers. Often children born in a home where abuse is a normal thing find life a bit difficult and really takes courage and determination not to be affected by it.

Some people feel physical abuse is the worst as it has to do with punching and injuring the victims but have you actually tried to understand the consequences of emotional abuse? Emotional abuse can get someone having a suicidal thought, creating inferiority complexes in their victims. It could also result in teenagers moving with the wrong set of people. Am not saying physical abuse is better but am saying the gravity is somehow same.

Lisa is from a family of 5, 3 guys and 2 ladies and she is the last child and also the second daughter, her mum emotionally abuse her right from adolescent. Her mum never sees the good in her, always comparing her to her elder sister. Nothing she does is ever right and her mum doesn’t hide the fact that she prefers her sister to her. During her childhood days, she has always wondered if she was adopted because it was so obvious that her mum doesn’t like her. The Ill treatment saw her trying to always please her mum, scared of confiding in her sister, and thus resulted in she not been close to her sister. There were times she wished her sister dead so her mum could now focus her love on her. Entering the university was like a relief for her because it meant been free from the daily abuse from her mother. Her dad has tried talking to the mum about how she treats her but all to no avail, her mum excuse will always be she is too lazy and she is trying to make her a better woman for her future hubby. Lazy? When she has practically been turned into the house help in her own home.

It went on for awhile, till she developed a thick skin and couldn’t care less how she is been treated. She made up her mind from the first day she started school in Unilag, that she will surprise her mum, and be the best in all she does. Right now she doesn’t have a good relationship with her mother and her mother is now trying to win her over but to her is too late.

Eniola grew up with her dad and step mum and her step mum made life miserable for her and the fact that her dad isn’t always around made matters worse because her dad does try to shield her from the claws of her step mum. It got to a point her step mum wanted her dad to send her away just because she forgot to transfer leftover food to the freezer. Her mum is dead, so she didn’t have a mother figure to look up to and her step mum obviously can’t claim that either. After her childbirth, she didn’t send for her step mum, rather someone from her church, her step mum was shocked before she was expecting the invitation and would have been an opportunity to visit the UK as that is where she is base but no, Eniola chose a lady that made sure all was well with her when she was still under the custody of her dad and step mum.

Fejiro, never in her wildest dream felt she will be at the mercy of her elder sister. Her sister treated her with disdain right from when she started living with her in Abuja as a result of her job. At first, she couldn’t understand the ill-treatment and the abusive words or the fact that her sister feels she won’t make a good wife. She tried picturing where she had gone wrong and careful observation made her realise her sister is jealous of her achievements, but the question she kept asking herself was why? Even after she has tirelessly tried to please her, cancel some outings with friends just because she has to take care of her sister’s kids. It was so bad that she actually thought she won’t make a good wife and this was etched on her subconscious until she opened up to a friend who advised her to desist from thinking such. She was made to understand that to have a successful marriage and a wonderful home, she has to be positive and always think positive rather than dwelling on negative thoughts that could harm her confidence as a woman.

Belema, was constantly abused by her hubby to the point she kept asking herself how she missed this negative side of her hubby during their courtship. She is never happy when friends gather to talk about family, career and the likes. She always finds one reason or the other to shy away from any outing organised by her friends. At first we, her friends thought she is usually busy been a project manager with one of the telecommunication company, but no she was just not happy and she was extremely careful on who she opens up to. On a particular day when she couldn’t take it anymore, she dropped the bombshell that she has been a victim of emotional abuse for a long time but she had been covering it up in order not to attract unnecessary attention, she has prayed and fasted yet no results and that it is actually choking her. How can a man she made vows to in front of God and the church call her a whore? That she has always been sleeping her way to the top in her office that is why she keeps getting promoted while he is still stagnant in his particular position in his own office. That her Hubby’s insults and abusive words are more than physical abuse and often times she had thought of divorcing him but she has her kids to consider like her mum advised.

Nonye, is someone that most ladies look up to in church, chorister with a wonderful voice and her hubby a Sunday school teacher. First glance at them, one will picture a lovely Christian family that will have a beautiful home with Nonye’s melodious voice giving a joyous sound and wonderful kids with a good upbringing, however, it is usually said never judge a book by its cover. Nonye had been a victim of constant emotional abuse just because all 4 of her kids are females and the hubby wants a male child. Started gradually when she had her second baby and thought he would get over it but no. He pushed for another baby but ended up having twin girls, making it 4 daughters which he wasn’t okay with. They couldn’t keep trying because it may result to complications which are life threatening as warned by their doctor. So all she does is to cover up the nonchalant attitude of her hubby towards her and the kids, praying for God’s divine intervention.

No one prays to be abuse whether physically or emotionally, in fact, you wouldn’t even wish to experience it for 5mins. Well if anyone is somehow in the midst of this ugly scenarios, you have to constantly remind yourself that God didn’t make a mistake creating you or bringing you to this world.

You are worthwhile for his kingdom so try and rediscover yourself and your purpose in life and God in his infinite mercies will instill in you the confidence and grace needed for you to scale through and be victorious.

Every Lady Has A Story…

Yes that is true, for every lady has a story whether good or bad, thus, we shouldn’t rush to condemn someone or conclude on someone’s case. I had to gather enough case studies to create this write up and am very sure there are people who can relate to it.

Tammy, a friend’s colleague was one lady that talks too much, in fact, the day I met her, I got tired of talking because she kept talking non stop. I even had to ask my friend how they cope with her in the office, she just laughed and say that’s Tammy for you. Taking it as her personality, I knew she ain’t the kinda person I can have as friend because of that trait. Though she is very efficient in her job, next in line to be a manager but one major flaw kept dragging her behind and she didn’t know. Her MD was kind enough to point it to her that the reasons she won’t be given the managerial position was because she talks too much and in so doing, it has been observed that she leaks company’s confidential reports. It was funny but was advised to see a specialist and from the visit, it was discovered that she has a low self esteem and feels bragging about the opportunities garnered in her company and boasting about her position makes her feel desired and people wanting to interact with her. I learned she was told to work on herself, and forget about how poor her background was but should be proud of herself and what she has achieved and should let people to the appraisal of her achievement rather than bragging about it.

Meriah, my neighbor was someone I felt was so lazy and couldn’t just imagine why she would have a live-in house help when she had just one kid and she is even a housewife. My point of view was that why is she behaving like she is the first person to be pregnant? After all I am a mother with two kids. It hurt me so much, but I couldn’t voice it out in the open, but I didn’t even noticed that I wasn’t the only one thinking our neighbor was lazy, even the security man thought so also. A very wonderful day got both of us talking and she opened up to me how she has always have difficulties carrying a baby to full term, the pains and anguish as a result of each miscarriage she had. Under 5 years of marriage, she miscarried thrice and, in fact, resigned her fate till a lady introduce her to her now gynaecologist who advised that whenever she takes in, her cervix will need to be closed and after which she has to be on total bed rest because her womb is extremely fragile. That method was successful and resulted to her first baby and had to do same method for the second baby.

Gosh I was shocked and ashamed at the same time because here I was condemning someone without knowing the reasons behind her actions. I learned a very big lesson that very day, never to conclude so fast.

Aisha, a friend after my own heart is one strong lady that I admire so much. She is very hardworking and a successful entrepreneur but she find it difficult interacting with guys, at first, we are friends thought maybe it was due to her religion because she was from a staunch Muslim home and her dad is an ‘Imam’. However we didn’t know she had been abused by her teacher during her secondary school. She was a boarder and her maths teacher raped her repeatedly, but she was so scared and ashamed to report the case and had to keep it to herself. That pain was etched on her for a long time and she felt no one not even her mother is worthy of knowing her struggles. Her family praise her as the good girl that you can’t see messing around with men and her mum thought she was still a virgin at 27 not knowing that she isn’t. When she clocked 35, her folks were now getting worried as she wasn’t bringing any suitor home rather concentrating on expanding her jewelry business. Side remarks was made that she is a lesbian and even a runs girl just pretending to be good. It got so bad that she now felt she needed to talk to someone and she chose me. After opening her heart to me, I saw a different Aisha that day. I saw a lady that is scared and also angry at the men folk just because of what one man did. I don’t see myself as a counselor or a specialist, but I had to calmly tell her I understood why is acting that way but first she has to let go of the past and to do that, she needed to forgive her teacher. I couldn’t say more rather than to thrust some of my wonderful motivational books to her and invite her to my church which I felt she won’t attend but to my surprise she did, and after service I introduced her to my pastor’s wife and they booked an appointment. 3 months later, I saw a different woman. A smiling confident and strong woman that was ready to mingle and the first thing she did was to employ a male staff because it was so bad before as she has never employed a male staff. To her that was a step and many more steps were taken and God blessed her with a man that was ready to walk her through her fears and marry her despite her past. She celebrated her new path as a christian by changing her name to Esther.

Soty is one lady that you can never hear she is in a relationship and whenever she is in one, she is out before you can even ask her how far. It got so tiring and we felt she was making the relationship unbearable for the guys and it doesn’t bother her. We tried countless times trying to hook her up with trustworthy male colleagues, friends and even relatives but it usually doesn’t get serious. Having experience of not judging people quickly made me arrange for a one on one weekend with her. We decided to lodge in a hotel and after the relaxation, hanging out and the nice night outing, I decided the following day been Saturday will be a good day to thrash it out. At first she was angry I cornered her that way, lured her like she said but she knew she couldn’t escape from opening up to me. I assured her no issues if she isn’t comfortable and even left her alone. Later in the evening she opened up to me that she is from a very humble background with moral values and that when she was in school, she was in a relationship that saw her pregnant and she had to abort the baby. Her boyfriend then wasn’t patient enough to help her heal and was still trying to demand sex, she couldn’t take it anymore and hard to break up with him. The ordeal has made her so rigid that she feels all men are after sex which she isn’t ready for and they are not ready to support her policy of no sex till marriage because she doesn’t want to be in that point anymore as the whole incidence seems to be still fresh in her mind.

A female colleague never sees any good in any man despite the fact that she is married. She feels men are liars and cheat. It got to a point that almost all staff in my office knows about her hatred for men. You will see her trying to advise single female colleagues not to trust their partner because when he finally marries them, he will definitely change. We the other ladies in the office knew about this but we decided not to say anything about it but to advise the singles on been careful in knowing who they share their private affairs to. However the male colleagues couldn’t stand the discrimination against their gender and had to speak to her, which resulted in a clear vision and reasoning of why she was acting that way. It was discovered that her father physically abused her mum and having that mindset that is a normal thing led her to marrying a man that doesn’t hide the fact that he cheats on her regularly and emotionally abuses her daily.

Well, no one knows the tears or the pains of ladies behind their wonderfully made up face, looking elegant and smiling like all is well with them when all isn’t. It took me awhile to understand that some people act the way they do due to circumstances beyond their control, but I do believe that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. However bottling up issues and emotions doesn’t help because no one is God for them to understand what you are going through, that is why we need to have a good communication  among those we call friends in order for them to understand us better, after all it is said that a close mouth is a close destiny, so we should learn the habit of opening up instead of dying in silence, although one has to be careful and be extremely choosy when thinking of confiding in someone.

 

Photo Credit: Google

My Frenemy!!!!!!

 

When has having a good friend becomes the worst mistake? When has confiding in someone you hold so dear becomes the terrible thing ever done? When has opening your door to those in need makes you a laughing stock?

So many ‘whens’ but that is how I feel right now. Honestly, it is advisable to trust people with a clear head, in order not to trust blindly and also draw a thin line when discussing your marital or relationship troubles.

A friend I trusted so much and confided in because I saw her not just as a friend but a sister from another mother. We grew up together, played together and even attended same schools from primary to university and our peers envied our closeness, but it never dawned on me that my so called friend hates me with passion.

It started with her always complaining about any guy she dates and I would be there trying to let her know no guy is perfect, but I never knew she had always had eyes for my man and after several attempts to seduce him, she finally succeeded in getting him to sleep with her, and that was when their deception started.

I can’t imagine how naive I was, not seeing the signs or paying attention to the fact that my fiance keeps postponing our marriage plans and doesn’t like seeing my friend. In fact, He told me he doesn’t like the fact that my friend is too over ambitious but he sure didn’t tell me the actual reason for his negative comments about her.

The scales fell from my eyes when a mutual friend of my fiance invited me for lunch and told me to open my eyes because I have become a laughing stock due to my naivety and the fact that I trust people even to the extreme. Wondering why she would say such, she bluntly told me that my fiance is cheating on me, but she won’t tell me with whom rather I should do my own investigation.

The anger in me was overwhelming, the questions that kept coming to my mind was why after all these years? who could that be? and from what my friend said, it is someone I know and trust so much. I started investigating all my friends subconsciously and each time I picture a particular friend, I keep giving 1001 reasons why it couldn’t be that person. This drove me to mad confusion, but I had to do it, not because I was worried but because I wanted to prove to my friend that the people I call friends can’t betray me.

Three months down the line, I still haven’t caught the culprit, and I concluded that it was all a lie and probably my friend just wanna see if am the jealous type. However all questions were answered when I and my fiance got invited for a dinner party and I couldn’t attend with him because I had lots to do in trying to meet a deadline proposal. Feeling bored later at home, I decided to go over to his place and wait for him to get back. I rang the bell and a female voice answered me and not waiting for me to reply, open the door and lo and behold it was my best friend in bum shorts and my fiance tee shirt. Still in shock, I heard my fiance calling her baby. What???????

I strolled majestically into the house, my friend was already crying and my fiance was shaking like a caught thief that he was, the only sentence from my mouth before leaving the house was, ‘how could you guys do this to me’?

How I got back to my house, was by the grace of God. My phone beeped and I saw an email message from my supposed friend, explaining that she has always been in love with my fiance and their relationship had been on for 3years and they really do love each other, but my fiance doesn’t wanna hurt me by breaking up with me. That it was out of anger during one of their fights that drove him to propose to me. Can you beat that???

Well, I didn’t reply her, I just couldn’t imagine that something as wicked as this could happen to me. Some days later, my ex-fiance (because can’t bring myself to still wear his ring and claim the title of fiancee) called that we needed to see and talk and wanting to hear from him accepted. We dined in a restaurant and he told me his own part of the story, how my wicked friend seduced him repeatedly before he finally succumbed, how he has tried severally to warn me that my friend ain’t good, but I always rise to her defense and that he has finally called it quits with her.

I just started laughing and asked him if I still look stupid to him, I asked him how he can allow himself to be seduced repeatedly for 3 solid years? Told him he shouldn’t be deceived that people actually know about their illicit affair and it was one of his friends that actually told me about his betrayal, but I should try and find out more myself.

Told him am done and is so sad that I wasted 5 years been with him, but I wish them the very best and leave them to God. Leaving the restaurant, I felt relieved like a heavyweight has left me, obviously he isn’t mine because if he could sleep with my best friend, he can sleep with the house help and if my friend could hurt me like this, then she can kill me to get what she wants.

The future is bright for me as far as am concern, even though everyone is still in shock over what happened, but then life goes on…

Peace Out!!!!!

 

Photo Credit: Google/Dreamstine